shabar + joy

below is my closing statement.  since i've moved back on campus i'll just say it's been somewhat of a spiritual struggle.  and i am just continuing to realize what i've realized one million times before.  but it's time to dig deeper and i feel that God is doing exactly that in me.  my life is so not my own.  this summer was so not my own.  this year of school ahead and whatever is ahead of that will so not be my own.  below, as i said, is my long-winded closing statement, but i hope you read it and i hope that it resonates.  it is, i believe, the single most meaningful thing i have ever put into type– and not mine, either:

if there's one thing i've learned in my twenty-one years thus far (+ so much so this summer) it's that it takes a lot more than a cross necklace and a nightly prayer to lead a Christian life.  a life for Christ is made up of sacrifices– friends, family, potential romances, popularity– a life for Christ is made up of brokenness– over sin, over weakness– a life for Christ is giving up all claims to control and seeing only the dimly lit portion of path just ahead– maybe only feeling blindly for the solid foundation.  when you live for Christ, the Bible isn't a book– it's food and water and air.  you don't discipline yourself into reading or paying attention, you are holding on to every word and pray for greater revelation with every re-reading of that passage you thought you already understood.  living for Christ is owning up to your every thought, not hiding from yourself, not hiding from Him– surrendering.  living for Christ is not hiding from others– it is opening your arms and your heart to brothers and sisters unlike you perhaps in every way other than dependence on the Lord.  living for Christ is embracing community, loving and learning together, getting hurt, forgiving and being forgiven.  living for Christ is slowing the speed of your tongue, increasing the quickness with which you take situations to prayer, and turning your ear to the voice of the Shepherd who guides you in every large, medium, and small thing.  a life for Christ is yearning to attain the unattainable of holiness, righteousness and goodness.  living for Christ is a scarlet letter on your forehead saying you're narrow-minded and judgmental– stones thrown, and a lack of understanding abounding– but still responding with gentleness, kindness, and steadfastness in the Word of God.  it is being angry and endeavoring not to sin in anger.  living for Christ is considering your body His– it is caring for it and treating it as sacred, and adorning it modestly out of respect for His creation, and mindfulness of others' temptations.  living for Christ is regarding the body of every human as you regard your own, and having no part in the exploitation or harm of another of God's creations.  living for Christ is utter exhaustion of the mind– nothing is left unconsidered, from the music you listen to, to the food you eat, to the person you pursue/ who pursues you with the intent of marriage, to the political stance you struggle to decide upon and take.  living for Christ is constant learning– mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake, mistake and mistake again.  it is heeding the wisdom of parents and elders; it is heeding the warnings and the corrections given by them and by the Spirit.  it is time– it is hours of stillness, and worship, and prayer, and study.  a life for Christ is just that– a life.  it is not completed in a prayer, or by reading the words between Genesis 1 to Revelation 22.  it isn't a straight line, it is full of ups and downs, as we are watered, grown, pruned, and loved.  a life for Christ is letting go of past chains, of freedom from slavery and not returning.  a life for Christ is not certainty– it is doubt and struggle and intellectual challenge. a life for Christ is not capable of being fully understood in human minds, but it does not require our understanding. a life for Christ is seeing death in life.

a life for Christ is seeing life in death.  a life for Christ is a life of abundance, of being filled, pouring over, and bearing fruit.  a life for Christ is refreshing and freeing tears, joyous and pure laughter.  a life for Christ is fun!  it is sweet and wonderful, deep and stimulating, light and sustaining fellowship– jokes and dancing, and eating and simply being there with one another.  a life for Christ is rejuvenation, renewal, rebirth, revitalization– chronic baptism.  a life for Christ is not lonely.  a life for Christ is never being alone, even when physically alone, even when feeling alone.  a life for Christ is freedom from lies and fears by truth and love.  a life for Christ is healing and strength beyond it– growing more solid than before.  a life for Christ is protection– armors of righteousness, faith, and the Word of God.  a life for Christ is God going before you– it is never too much for you to handle, it is planned to prosper you.  a life for Christ is thankfulness– for clothes, for shelter, for breath, for sunlight, for moonlight, for stars.  a life for Christ is unique!  it is embedded with varying gifts for different people.  a life for Christ may produce and be expressed through music, art, poetry, businesses, pastoring, architecture, cooking, teaching.  a life for Christ is rest– release of burdens, trust that takes away the stress of having to do and know.  a life for Christ is peace in the midst of chaos, confusion, misery, and destruction.  a life for Christ is the rewards of wisdom, patience and goodness.  a life for Christ is a heart turned from pride of oneself to exaltation of the only one and true God above.  a life for Christ is not accomplished, earned, or received by luck.  a life for Christ is pre-ordained, born of grace, and contracted in blood and therefore it cannot be foiled by us or anything on earth or in the spiritual realms.  a life for Christ is God-ordained, God-organized, and God-orchestrated.  a life for Christ isn't even about you– it's about the glory of God– who loves you, made you, knows you, and calls you– unceasingly.

a life for Christ is what i desperately need.  and it is who i am.  and thank God for it.
amen.

back on campus

and it feels so
exhausting.

moving in is so difficult!  i forget every time.  my arms are sore.  my neck is a little sore.  why?  who knows, haha.  i am sore.

but!  i finished unpacking all my clothes today.  guess what i realized i don't have?  hangers.  or an iron.  -sigh-  i feel like my typing even comes across as out of breath.

but!  my room looks great.  see the before:

and after:

recognize my thrift finds?  [:

two drafts down two final copies to go

short one today: we finished our research report drafts on friday (technically saturday morning) and now we're really on that final stretch of filling in blanks spaces and editing what we have thus far.  so on to that i go.

<3

i love my richmond

oh hot reservoir this is my jelly (an inside joke + a song)

so addie and i are sitting on the floor doing work.  suddenly i hear her ask me, "what kind of fish goes best with peanut butter?" i take my headphones out, i'm thinking hard.  then all of a sudden, i'm like, "wait, what?"  she laughs, "it's really easy.  what kind of fish goes best with peanut butter?"  this question is not about service provision.  i turn my head to the side, with that far-away thinking expression in my eyes (i imagine).  i think, peanut butter, peanut butter... jam... jelly... fish– "jellyfish!" i laugh.

all day long i've been listening to today's top hits on pandora as i've worked.  some of the songs i really enjoy.  some of them are really catchy but i don't like them lyrically at. all.  anyway, there's a popular song out there somewhere i don't know the name of it, but one part of it goes: oh dot damn, this is my jam.  and i thought of that as addie was telling me that joke, because a while ago on tumblr someone posted this image:

and people were confused, like, oh hot reservoir, this is my jelly?  haha.  that was me, honestly.  i had no idea what the image was because i had no idea what the reference was.

interesting though, isn't it?  something as small as having heard a 3-4 min. song can completely determine your ability to understand a simple, fairly straightforward image.  it made me think deeper (i'm always thinking deeper– i'm a deep thinker).  music came up in our Not For Sale training on human trafficking services.  our instructor had us listen to songs that normalized pimping, recent songs that came out in the past decade.  since then, i think i've been a little hyperaware.

it's getting late so i'll speak more to that deep-thinking thought another day.

anyway here are some of the songs i'm ashamed that i've bopped my head and tapped my foot to today:
tonight, tonight by hot chelle rae
call me maybe by carly rae jepson
sexy and i know it by LMFAO
one more night by maroon 5
we run the night by havana brown
good feeling by flo rida

i hang my head in shame.

but okay ya'll, this last one i am not ashamed of at all, in fact it's my new favorite:
both of us by B.o.B. (with Taylor Swift)

enjoy!

oh my august!

i just realized it was august.  aaaahhhhh.

writing week is going pretty well so far.  wanna see?  good.  'cause i have done sooooo muuuuuch writing already.

doe a deer? roger that

meet bell.  we met her this morning on our way in from grocery shopping on our way then to the pool.  she was very calm and walked up to our car a little and looked at us.  it was sad because it seems she has been injured by something and disfigured in her face– her snout bruised and twisted.  still she brightened our day.

we've had daily visits from roger.  yesterday he came by and was eating some carrots.  someone threw them out for him.  no wonder he loves to meander around!  today we spotted him one apartment block away.  we shouted his name but he only looked up once.  oh that roger.

roger the gopher

meet our new furry little friend.  he greeted me on morning one and then stopped by two more times today.  at that point i knew we had to give him a name.  he seemed to feel like it fit him (see video)!  i wonder if we'll see him tomorrow as well! 

poem

oh hey now, look what the mountains done done, i wrote a poem in like five minutes right after coming in from the outside.  someone in the place next door was playing the blues (on a cd or ipod i believe) and it seeped in through the screen of the window and next thing i knew i was typing up words that rhyme and false rhyme and flow and such.  here's the product:

i recognize on most days i am not what you would call conventional
beautiful as in what you would see on the television or the side of a bus
but instead what you would visualize perhaps behind a book in a library
or on the inside cover of one you very much enjoyed perhaps

it is in those unexpected expected places
that i can be recognized
and my beauty appreciated
(because i have it,
i know i have it,
and you can’t tell me otherwise)

i know i can run three miles up a hill and glisten sweat
and lather on lavender shower gel to smell like flowers
still i would rather roll down a hill and smell like earth
and glisten from the sun on my off-white smile
(that sounds like me)

i know i can wear florescent shorts that show my pockets under and pull my curves
and a sequined shirt with a neck lower than i can bend my back backwards
but i would rather lay on the floor in jeans with a pocket of chocolate bar wrappers
and bend back the spine of a book real low to see the small print in the margins
(that is me, always)

and basically my hair on most days is dancing
some sort of interpretive jazz based on the story
of a girl who was trapped all her life
and then finally set free.

i know these things.
and i recognize them most days
and i enjoy i am me.

word association time!

addie said "nuttin'" while we were in the kitchen today and it sent my mind on a blast to the past!  so now you get this.  merry christmas in july!  [:

in the mountains

well ladies and gentlemen it has come to that time.  interviews are over.  no more phone calls.  some more emails to get consent forms in but other than that nada mas!  it is time to write.  time to piece together all of the information we've been collecting for the past two months.  to do that we decided to retreat, into the mountains!  we're staying at a lovely resort, and we just got in last night.  this morning the work really really begins.  oh man.  ohhhhh man.

diy chalkboard tray!

make your own chalkboard tray!

supplies: chalkboard spray paint (about $8 at michaels) + tray

steps: (1) clean your tray off!  wash it and wipe it completely dry and clean.  if you spray paint over dust your surface will be spotty; less aesthetically pleasing and harder to write on.

(2) spray paint that tray!  the can said to put two coats on.  i suggest you do two or three.

(3) wait 24 hours + then prep the surface.  google "how to prep a chalkboard" and you'll get some instructions on how to make it writing ready.  basically you'll want to use a piece of chalk to wipe the whole surface with chalk and then erase it away, and it'll be ready.

what not to do like i did:  i'm probably going to clean my tray again and add another coat of spray paint because when i was prepping my surface i used wet paper towel to wipe away my chalk-coating and there's some paper towel residue i can't seem to just sweep off.  eh.  you craft you learn.

total cost: about $10! (but remember you can use that paint on even more projects!!  i'm doing some more... to be posted soon)

locked out

so i went out yesterday around 3 p.m. and i did not get back into the house after that.  we've had some key issues, but with five people living under the same roof usually someone is home to let the locked-out person in.  not yesterday.  but anyway this was my day:

i got up, i got ready for the day, i watched three episodes of pretty little liars.  then i left the house.  i was meeting someone for an early dinner at 5:15, so my plan was: i was going to take a book and go to barnes and noble and just read and relax, after i picked up some vitamins from the vitamin shoppe, and then i was going to meet up for dinner, and then i was going to go home and just chill until going to sleep.

this is what happened: i forgot the book i was going to read at barnes and noble, and i couldn't find it in the fiction/lit section in the store so i perused, i picked up a few books and flipped through in the starbucks area where there are tables and chairs.  then i began to feel bad because i'd read 15 pages of one book and i wasn't intending on buying it at that point so i bought a chocolate cupcake and ate it while i read more.  then i started to enjoy the book a great deal so i decided i would buy it and i got up to put the other book i'd picked up away before i made a decision to buy that too (since really i hadn't intended on spending any money in barnes and noble that day).  but then as i passed a rack of books on sale i found this book called words that work and it's a new york times best seller and it was $8.00 and it had a section specifically on advertising and words and why we remember certain phrases and not others and i thought it would be a perfect read for me considering my interest in advertising looking ahead so... i decided to buy that as well.

and that's what i came out with.  there but for the by ali smith and words that work by dr. frank luntz.  the first is delightfully witty and unique, about a guy who locks himself into a stranger's bedroom at a dinner party and the woman who is called in to try to get him out but only knows him vaguely from a trip they met on about twenty years prior.  and it's really quite wonderful, it really is a piece of artwork, i feel.  here's a very short excerpt:

      Well, you can run and tell your mum or dad where you are and who you're with, Anna said, and come back either with your mum or your dad, or with a note addressed to me saying that it's okay and that you've got permission and that they know you're safe?
      The child put her hands on the wall, levered herself expertly into the air, let herself expertly fall.
      I can, the child said.  Though they trust me.  I am not stupid.  And your name is the same as mine.  So what I tell them is I'm going to the tunnel with Brooke and then to the Observatory to see the Shepherd Galvano-Magnetic Clock.
      Maybe, but listen, my name's not Brooke, that's you, Anna said.  I'm Anna.  Tell them I'm a friend of, of, the man who's locked himself in the room at the Lee's house.
      Yeah, but when you first came, the child said, when we were at the Lees' front door, you said you were called the same as me.       No I didn't, Anna said.
      I said, I'm Brooke, the child said, and then you said, what a coincidence, I'm Brooke too.
      No, Anna said.  The thing is, when we met on the steps, I didn't know you were saying the word Brooke, I thought you were saying the word broke.  And I'm broke.  So I said, me too.  It's a pun.
      Like, broken? the child said.
      No, I meant it in the sense of having no money, Anna said.
      What exactly is a pun therefore? the child said.
      What exactly is a pun there for? Anna said.
      No, she said when she stopped laughing.  What I want to know is, what constitutes a pun.
      Constitutes? Anna said.  Blimey.  Constitutes.  Well, um, pun.  Well, they're like if a word means differently from what you expect.  Like, take me hearing the word broke when you said the word Brooke.  That was a sort of involuntary pun.
      Involuntary, the child said.
      It means it happened without us meaning or choosing it, Anna said.
      I know it means that, the child said.  I was just saying it to see how it felt in my mouth to say it.

thrift + craft + thistle farms

part one - so the day i got those wonderful thrift dresses i also went to goodwill and got a few other things:

 mirror window: $5.25 (but my dad bought it so: $0.00!)

 decorative tray: $2.25

framed picture (really bought it for the frame): $3.25

total: $6.00 (donated the difference)

part two - see that frame up there.  well with a little chalkboard spray paint and some tlc it got a make-over!  tada!  i'll post a more complete how-to for this later, but i was too excited (+ a little disgusted by the before tray) to keep it under wraps.

part three - one of the organizations addie and i interviewed has a social enterprise as a part of its programming called thistle farms.  the organization works with women who have come out of prostitution; some of the women end up working in the production and the offices of the thistle farms store.  i was in some deep need of some chap stick and i knew they did all natural products like that so i looked them up online.  their store is really cool (link here)!  i got some lip smoothie and one of the kits they make.  the package also came with a sticker and a the Love Heals Every Body card.
the notebook and the bag (made from recycled plastic) are from another organization thistle farms has partnered with, called aban.  they provide jobs for young mothers in Ghana who are on the streets (link here).  so double hitter here!  take a look!

devo song 07/27

Started with hangin' posters on my bedroom walls.
To battle rappin' for status up in the school halls.
Just call me double sushi, thought I was too raw.
And hip-hop was my home, I had my shoes off.

6'3 in high school, well skip a hoop dream.
If I don't blow up then maybe I'll try this school thing.
I went to college to do my family a favor,
But I couldn't pick a major cuz I wanted to be MAJOR.

I tried sellin' work, but it didn't work.
So I worked, shopping center clerk, finna go berserk.
Lunch break, see me writin' 16's over Mickey D's,
Skippin' class, makin' beats, over 60 keys.

And I love that even though I'm just chasin',
Selfish ambition couldn't tell your boy nathan.
Watch out all you rappers cuz they finna let 'Crae in,
But I was sleepin' on the Son, like a Days Inn.

And you can have the money, and you can have the fame.
For me I want the glory, I'm livin' for the Name.
See life is just a picture, I see outside the frame.
I'm livin' for a Kingdom that I ain't never seen.

And imma chase that, imma imma chase that.
Found the key to life and best believe that imma play that.
(Glory) imma chase that, imma imma chase that,
(Glory) imma chase that, imma imma chase that.

I remember chasin' the green, feelin' blue.
Only check I'm countin' is the mic check, 1-2.
All I wanted was the money and the fame and the new,
Somebody on my arm when I walk inside the room.

All I wanted was doom.
The same kind Alexander the Great felt when the earth ran out of room.
He conquered all he could, but yet he's feelin' consumed.
By this neverending quest for glory he couldn't fuel.

Like a typical fool,
(I would go hard) shootin' for the moon,
But there's only one sun (Son), no co-star.
Chasin' glory I shouldn't own,
Instead of living to make His name known,
I'm runnin' after His throne.

I thought bein' on TV where everybody could see me
Was nothing short of the easiest way I could see to please me.
I'll never be who I used to desperately wanted to be,
I'm too worried 'bout the Lord gettin' credit instead of me.

And you can have the money, and you can have the fame.
For me I want the glory, I'm livin' for the Name.
See life is just a picture, I see outside the frame.
I'm livin' for a Kingdom that I ain't never seen.

And imma chase that, (Glory) imma chase that.
Found the key to life and best believe that imma play that.
(Glory) imma chase that, imma imma chase that,
(Glory) imma chase that, imma imma chase that.

I used to wanna do it big.
When you're only focused on yourself that's small.
And they, they used to tell me as a kid,
That I could do anything that I want, except fall.
And now that I recall, I was chasin' my goals.
And everytime I caught'em they multipled into mo'.
I never even thought about whether the Lord approved,
Call it selfish ambition, I call it, "I'm makin' moves."

But history repeats itself, evil's what it is.
Cuz Lucifer was cast away for doing what I did.
Created by the God who spoke the earth into existence,
Instead of chasing the Father's glory, he was chasin' his.

He lies to us all, told Adam he could ball.
"Why you followin' God when you could go get it all?"
I'll tell you what's better, or better yet worse.
Chasin' your own glory by doin' the Lord's work.

So holla if it hurts, but we were made for greater.
Our greatest satisfaction is making His name famous.
So if we're never named among the greatest,
They don't critically acclaim us,
Ain't nothin' to be ashamed of, we gave it up for the Savior.

Imma chase that, imma imma chase that.
And the Lord's goodness, you should - you should taste that.
And you ain't livin' 'til you livin' for His name, yeah.
(Glory) imma chase that, imma imma chase that.

quotes

"unless you love someone, nothing else makes sense."  
 e e cummings


"the idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart."   
maya angelou


"let yourself become living poetry."   
rumi, from soul houses


"there's no money in poetry, but then there's no poetry in money either."   
robert graves


"how we need another soul to cling to."   
sylvia plath


"the aim is to balance the terror of being alive with the wonder of being alive."   
carlos castaneda


"you don't have a soul.  you are a soul.  you have a body."   
c.s. lewis


"what's the point of being alive if you don't at least try to do something remarkable?"
john green, an abundance of katherines

+ a song

a website for when you're feeling low

so today i found out i didn't get the scholarship i applied for early this summer.  boo and hoo, right?  well, that's alright because i know i should be able to get through the next year without too much financial strain.  my year wasn't riding on it, let's just say that.

anyway as i was crawling out of my short-term funk, i came across this website which helped me up a good deal: http://ilikeyourjacket.com/

check it out.  it only gives out compliments.  i was really tickled.

projects.

i realize that i am a project person.  i think it's why i am an aspiring novelist, as far as my writing goals go.  i like long-term projects.  or why i look forward to the development, design and marketing of my first book of poems.  i love DIY and i love making blogs.  i like having specific blogs.  a blog for pictures, a blog for poems, a blog for one-sentence poems, a blog for sestinas.  i love crocheting things.  i love designing posters for events.  i love doing this research.  i love thrift shopping for neat finds and steals.  i would love to think up and start up and advertise a thrift store next summer (one of many thoughts).  i love decorating my room every year.  i love packing and unpacking.  if i ever get married, i will love planning my wedding (wouldn't be a huge affair, but i don't really do any huge affair-type projects anyway).

that said, i certainly don't finish every project i begin.  some novels are nothing more than twelve pages and some sentimental residue.  some DIYs are too expensive to carry on, or don't work out like i thought they would and i give up.  some crochet patterns are frustrating or overwhelming.  some blogs i just don't have enough content to keep running properly.

that said, every project i do finish isn't necessarily utilized.  some events never happen and therefore do not require posters.  enough poems for a couple of books are complete but i've yet to find the confidence or money to do something with them.  some novels are finished but who knows if i really even want them read, and even if i do, again with the money.

everything above said, i don't really believe in "all good things come to an end."  and maybe that's strange, maybe you would think a project person would feel like everything is good in its own time but nothing last forever and you move on to the next thing and the next thing is as great as the last (if they're positive), but i guess i see my life as having more fluidity than that.  it's not one project to the next, everything is intertwined– purposefully.

some beautiful images