part of this five-day academy is journaling. so the first prompt was to write about an experience of pain and how you got through that.
i feel like experiences that have been painful for me have always centered around rejection, or feeling rejected as a result of feeling inadequate, or disappointing.
from my childhood i specifically remember in the first grade, it was one of the first days of school if not the first day, and i was yelled at by my teacher– i think for talking while she was talking during class. and i don't even think she really yelled at me i think she just scolded me, you know, but, i remember going home and crying and being really upset about it. i remember in class my face getting red and hot and wanting to cry but not wanting to be seen crying because that would have multiplied the embarrassment i already felt.
so i think that the root of the issue was that i felt like– i have always felt like i have known better than to do some things... so when i do something i should not... and i get called out for it... i am not only jolted by being called out, but severely disappointed in myself for having to be called out, and then i am guilty because i feel i have disappointed someone else (that person who called me out), and it's just a big mess, basically.
i still carry this. i carry this in class today when i get a paper back and i feel i could have done better, or that teacher feels i could have done better– i feel disappointment, and inadequacy. i carry this in friendships when i am criticized or you know, someone says, 'oh, cheyenne, you can do better than this that or the other thing,'– i feel disappointment, and inadequacy. i carry this at home sometimes, in church, large social gatherings– it's pretty much anywhere anytime, but particularly in moments of conflict of which i am the center.
so what i do, what i have done, is pray. i recognize that i am inadequate. not as in i'm worthless, but just, i'm not perfect. so yeah, i will fall. okay. that's okay. also then, i recognize that in my weakest times God is present and His strength is magnified in me when i am weak. so, not only is my inadequacy okay, it is sort of a positive thing. it is an opportunity for me to be used.
i have had to surround myself with people who can speak truth into my life rather than drag me down. you know, thankfully i can't really think of anyone who has ever seen me in a time of insecurity and not attempted to encourage me out of it. no one has ever, that i can remember, used my insecurities against me, or said, 'oh yeah you really are bad in this area, or you really are inadequate there,' that type of thing.
a huge help to me has also been speaking this truth into the lives of others who have this similar pain. i am not the only one who battles inside with these feelings. other people have confided in me of similar circumstances and feelings. and as i encourage them, i am encouraged. sometimes it is easier to look at someone else and see strength there than it is to look at yourself and see strength there. sometimes i say to someone else, you know, 'when you did this or that, you really were being wise and showed strength,' and then i turn around and say to myself, 'hey that's how you react in similar situations; that's something you do too– so, you're actually strong too, then.'
baaah i feel all over the place with this journal, haha. hopefully you get it. twenty minutes. stream of consciousness, no edits. this is me, ya'll.
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