okay serious post.
i was very emotionally overwhelmed yesterday. in the morning addie and i got up and got ready to go into the city for church and outreach. the area we were in for outreach is called the tenderloin (not sure if it's one word or two) and the area we were in for church was not far from it.
there were many difficult images to take in as we walked. it was dirty. lots of bars at the front of what seemed to be closed businesses. graffiti. dog feces that was never picked up on the sidewalk. foul smells. and there were many images of homelessness as we went from place to place. some that particularly stick with me are these:
(1) we were walking past a yoga place. the front door was set back from the sidewalk– so there was a small open space between the sidewalk and the yoga place's front door. in that very small space there were two people in sleeping bags (very very thin sleeping bags) laying down.
(2) a girl who looked about our age was sitting at a corner and asking people who went by for food. she asked us, 'hey ladies, either of you thinking of grabbing anything to eat any time soon?'
(3) there was a whole street of people, many of whom were clearly homeless. they laid on the brick, they sat on a small fence, they pushed around shopping carts full of plastic bags. many wore big jackets and hats and boots.
(4) [this is today] a man was passing through the cars of the BART. addie and i were sitting in the far back of the BART car with our backs to the back door. i heard the back door open and then i saw the man's hand– very thin– shaking. he was mumbling– it wasn't clear what he was saying– but clearly he was asking for money. he walked through the car to the next door opened it and passed through again to the next one.
when addie and i came back to the room, i guess it was physically apparent that i had been under some sort of stress. at lunch she had been asking me to play a 'questions' game where you ask different questions back and forth just for fun to pass time. i couldn't think straight. i had a lot going on in my head and the homelessness i'd seen was a big factor.
it struck me how difficult it is to look at people who are homeless. it's as if something inside of me feels that if i look at someone and then i do nothing it somehow feels worse than if i don't look at them and then do nothing. then i was struggling because in those moments yesterday, in those interactions, what did i have to give? i kept thinking, 'i wish i had bread, i wish i had a sandwich, i wish i had something'.
a girl we met up with that day told us about an experience she had had that day. a homeless man who lives outside of her building approached her and asked her about the lunch that she had in her hand. apparently she has given him food before. anyway, he asked if that food was for him. she answered sorry, but no, it was for her. he then said something along the lines of, 'you're one of the christians aren't you?' and she said yes, but that the food was still her lunch and again, that she was sorry.
i think that sort of did me in. i wanted to say to her, 'haven't you ever skipped a meal before? you should have given that lunch to him! he called you out for being a follower of Christ and it's not like you don't know where dinner is going to come from!' anyway, i didn't say anything to her. i brooded. and i prayed the Holy Spirit would convict her through a means that wouldn't be an angry person like me who would have just offended her and made her defensive.
thinking about going back to school, i can identify in my mind several homeless people who i come into contact pretty regularly when i'm off-campus. when i'm at a stop light and someone is at a corner sometimes i roll down my window and give a few dollars, but how can that make me feel better? i see the same people there time after time. some people may say, well maybe they're using that money for drugs or alcohol– that's not where i'm going. does anyone really believe that begging for money would get someone off the streets if they just really tried hard? i don't know exactly where this is leading but i'm going to really be praying and thinking about what substantial actions i can afford to serve the homeless in my area. i have one friend (hey girl! you know who you are!) who i know i can talk to and pray with about this; so this post is my reminder for me and her that i do not get caught up and forget about this issue when i'm back at school...
getting a sandwich with dining dollars on-campus and giving that to someone off-campus, or cans of food... i don't know. i don't want to just lightly think of easy things to do as if i just need to ease some feeling of guilt. but i can't do nothing anymore. i can't just not look at people.
Matthew 25:34-40
34 Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’
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